Serving my style of Internet BS since 1996.

If all those big professional web sites can have a Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) page, why can't I?  The answer is:  I can, and here it is.  Some of the questions are real.  Some of the answers are fake.  Many of the questions are stupid.  All of the answers are extremely brilliant.

Q:  Where do you get your ideas for what to put on your web site?
A:  Some I steal.  Some people suggest to me.  Many I think of by myself when I lay awake at night burping up something I shouldn't have eaten.

Q:  Did the stories you tell really happen?
A:  Yes, except for the ones that didn't.

Q:  Why can't I make any comments on your blog posts?
A:  Because I don't really care what anyone but me thinks about things.  Also, I'm much too old and cranky to deal with a bunch of spam bots.

Q:  Why do you like bowling so much?
A:  When I was a little boy, I accidentally threw a shoe at one of my sisters.  My aim was poor and a lamp was knocked over.  Boy, did my Mommy ever yell at me.  I've grown older and discovered that when bowling, you get to throw something to knock down things and no one yells at you.  (Note: for medical reasons, I don't do much bowling any more.)

Q:  What does that last question have to do with your web site?  I couldn't find much about bowling?
A:  Nothing at all.  When I removed the bowling section from my site, I just couldn't erase a great answer.

Q:  I found a link that didn't work.  What should I do?
A:  You could either sit and whine about it, never knowing what the link opens, or you could send me an e-mail asking me to fix it.

Q:  I tried to get to your web site and it wouldn't load.  What happened?
A:  The last time you visited my site, you didn't laugh hard enough when you clicked on the fourth link.  As a result, I decided to punish you by subjecting you to a phenomena known as Internet Traffic Time Out.  Keep clicking until the server isn't busy.

Q:  Do you put cookies on my computer?
A:  Not very often.  Sometimes a section of my site will not operate without a cookie.  When I do that, I usually use chocolate chip cookies.

Q:  I thought of something that you left out of your disclaimer section.
A:  Sorry, a frequently asked question must be in the form of a question.

Q:  How do I turn on my computer?
A:  Return to my Index and click on the Adults Section.  Then click on the Dumb Blondes link.

Q:  Speaking of your adults section, do you know how terrible it is?
A:  For crying out loud.  If you don't like it then click here.

Q:  Are you ever going to fix the Complaint Department?
A:  That area of my web site is working perfectly.

Q:  I have a question that you didn't answer on this page.
A:  Sorry, a frequently asked question must be in the form of a question.

Q:  Are you completely nuts?
A:  No, I only have two of them.

Q:  How do I find the answer to a question that isn't on this page?
A:  Haven't you heard about that new invention called email?