A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch
Lately, I’ve been thinking about Google Glass. It seems to be all the rage these days. Almost all of the tech blog sites are writing about it. Videos are starting to show up all over the internet. There are many concerns about personal privacy. People with Glass can take your photo without you even knowing about it. There are still many questions about what the future will be. Only two things are known for sure: 1) They look pretty ugly; and 2) the cost is $1500.
Those thoughts stimulated me to put on my inventor hat. I think the world might be ready for the Tiny Monocle. I would market it as the Tonocle. The Tonocle would have many of the same functions as Glass, but would be easier to use. You could easily put it in your eye using only the thumb and forefinger. If you wore prescription lenses it would be easy to insert behind your eyeglasses.
An ordinary monocle uses a cord to attach it to a vest or shirt button to prevent it falling on the floor if it pops out of your eye. The Tonocle would replace the cord with a USB cable. It could be plugged into your phone and prevent bluetooth from broadcasting to the world. It also could be plugged into a charging battery which is hidden in a pocket. There would be no reason to remove the Tonocle every three hours for a recharge. To increase profitability, I am definitely going to make the USB plugs non-standard.
While I’m inventing wearable computing stuff, I think I’ll design a Tiny belt. The T-Belt could be fashionably worn with any style of shirt than can be tucked in. The reason the shirt couldn’t be un-tucked is because the belt would have several sensors and cameras. With a camera on every side of your body, you would never miss being able to record a viral video. All of the standard sensors would be installed on the belt. You would always have access to GPS, temperature, humidity, etc. Similar to a money belt, the T-Belt would have storage pockets for memory cards, USB cables, etc. The T-Belt buckle would be a case for a large battery that could be used to recharge your phone or other mobile device.
I think I’ll also invent a special flash drive. Like the Tonocle, this would just be an improvement on existing technology. The drive would have a small LCD screen on the outside. The user could program a short message which would flash across the screen marquee style. I think a flash drive with a changeable label might be a good seller. I’m going to call it the CORdrive.
Another great invention is going to be the Tongle. The Tongle is a specialized dongle that starts flashing whenever the boss, the wife or anyone else you designate comes within eight feet of your computer. This would give you plenty of time to make sure there is appropriate content displayed on your monitor. I haven’t yet figured out how to make this work, but I’m sure I can do something with RFID technology.
I could take all of the profits from the Monocle and the Tongle and invest in my anti‑theft phone case. Whenever you go anywhere that it is possible someone would steal your phone, you would simply arm your case with a private pin number. In the event your phone was stolen, sensors would sound a shrill alarm when the case was nine feet away from you. Additionally, four double edged razor blades would pop out of each side of the case. The thief would likely feel some instant pain and immediately drop the stolen phone.
I had better quit writing now and go fill out my Kickstarter applications. I’m certain that my great ideas will have no problem raising millions of dollars in donations. After all, the Oculus Rift Twisted did!
Thanks for reading.