When I'm sitting on the stool, I like to read my book of lawyer jokes.
Lawyers are some of my favorite people. I think that's probably because so
many of them reside in my hotel.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
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Did you hear about Robby Knievel's newest stunt ? He will attempt to jump 1,000 attorneys
with a bulldozer.
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How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers found a penny.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
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What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
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What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
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What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton.
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How do you kill a lawyer when he's drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.
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A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness.
He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested
in taking the case.
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A lawyer was interrogating a witness at the stand. The witness was a punk from the
streets of London. "You've got a lot of intelligence for someone of your
background", the lawyer sneered. "I'd return the compliment if I wasn't
under oath", the punk replied.
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Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only
have time to save only one of them.
Do you have lunch or go to a movie?
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
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What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
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What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
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What's one more difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures wait 'till you're dead to rip your heart out.
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What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
Vultures will eat the skunk.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
Clothes.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure?
The bucket.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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How can you tell if your lawyer is worthless?
Ask him if he's a member of the bar.
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What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
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Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people.
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What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the burgeoning
US-Japan trade imbalance?
Japanese language lessons for lawyers.
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Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability.
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How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
Because after they die, they lie still.
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What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.
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What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
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What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman pinscher.
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What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
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What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal
gets arrested?
An accomplice.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal
gets arrested?
A lawyer.
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What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
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How can you tell when your lawyer is lying?
His lips move.
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How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
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What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
Not enough cement.
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Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
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Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the city morgue.
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
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What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
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Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
Professional courtesy.
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What's the definition of "a shame" (as in, "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
When there was an empty seat.
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How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
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How many divorce attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one divorce attorney to change her light bulb to his light bulb.
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How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Three -- one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the
ladder company.
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How many judges does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.
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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the
street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
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Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first pick.
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Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's
be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
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Jury(n): a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired
the better lawyer.
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Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be
any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right after his first case. When
asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."
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Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a
small town one cold winter's night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth,
and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's
business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.
Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given
a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of the lawyers asked
him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: all of the lawyers,
gathered in the hottest place."
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Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would
build a robot to do nothing.
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A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the
man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"
The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."
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An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his
accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to
appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but
was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be
heard.
The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on
deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able
to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change
venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told,
"We have all of the judges."
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A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100
bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together --
he'd been overpaid by $100.
The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
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A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00
for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked
the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third
question?"
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Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get
billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
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A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had
passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist
answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr.
Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.
"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist.
"Mr. Smith is dead."
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it
often enough."
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A blizzard struck the law school town one February evening, and the next morning the
streets were impassable. One law student who lived two miles from the campus and who
normally commuted by elevated railway heard on the radio that the El was not running.
Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late for
his Contracts class. There at the podium the professor was holding forth to an audience of
one.
Instead of taking his regular seat, the student slipped into the seat next to the other
fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a while leaned toward the other
student.
"What's he talking about?" he whispered.
"How should I know?" came the reply. "I only got here five minutes before
you did."
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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing
banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas
ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him,
put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell
me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a
bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified
bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the
cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot
me.'"
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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim,
you be first," she said. "What does your father do all day?" Tim stood up
and proudly said, "He's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Sarah?"
Sarah shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Sarah," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays the piano in a house of ill
repute."
The teacher was horrified and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day
she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher
repeated what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "Well, I'm actually an attorney. But can I explain a thing like
that to a seven-year-old?"
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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of
people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at
the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then
St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the
front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I
don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your
clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
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A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city donated to a fund for his
funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"A shilling?" said the Justice, "It only takes shilling to bury an
attorney? Here's a guinea; go bury 20 of 'em!"
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The son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future. He went
to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the
corner where he could observe his father's activities. He could be introduced to his
father's clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a
lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up
immediately. On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a
rough-hewn man with callused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as
follows:
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side
of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have
raised the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief
that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm,
and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows
are his. In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows." The lawyer
said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in, a young, well-dressed man, clearly
a member of the landed class. "My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of
the town," he said. "For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family
tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been raised on my land
and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes
that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute
over ownership of the cows."
The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE
COWS!"
After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern. "My
father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem
regarding these cows."
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be
ours!"
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Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked.
"Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
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You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two
bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
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I busted a mirror the other day. That's seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can
get me five.
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A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Benjamin Franklin
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was
so big when he died that they couldn't find a
coffin big enough to hold the body?
-- They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A lawyer is a man who helps you get what's coming to him.
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A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road.
He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road
the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a
direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought "Oh no, I have a priest in the
truck. I can't run down this lawyer" and at the last second the truck driver
swerved to miss the lawyer. Suddenly, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the
truck. He looked in his rearview mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to
the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the
road" The priest replied, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied,
"and what was your third question?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
---------------------------------
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
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What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
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What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be
recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
-------------------------------
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
--------------------------------