Microsoft Acquires Christmas
by
Robert Reiser
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus
Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via
satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern
hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive
rights to Christmas, Reindeer and other unspecified
inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to
millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 2008,
Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by
Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the
recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment
to "all who have made Christmas great" and vowed to "make licensing of
the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is
believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before
Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied, "Microsoft has been
working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products
for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate
benefits. We'll use it first for the release of Windows XP
and Office 2007."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly
endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It
ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new
Christmas 2007 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first
product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first
step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft
organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any
changes this year." She continued, "Our big plans are for
next year, when we release Christmas 2008. It will be bigger
and better than last year." She further elaborated that
"Windows Vista users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak
previews of Christmas 2008 as early as December 1, 2009."
Christmas 2007 is scheduled for release in December of 2007, although
one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the
year and may slip into the first half of 2008. An economist
at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next
year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS
to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months
after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in
the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling
Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower
months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy
over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale and the remaining will have to show a good long term business." He suggested that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.