A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following letter from Santa carefully to understand the changes affecting the Southern United States.
I regret to inform you
that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the
Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I
now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and
Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get
longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. I'm
certain that your children will be in good hands with my local
replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there
are a few differences between us. These differences include:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper
sticker that reads: These toys are insured by Smith and Wesson.
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time. Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. Finally,
lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red
Nosed Reindeer" and "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This
year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio
stations in the south. Song titles will include "Bubba Claus
Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
