The new Executive Officer, DB reported on board and assumed his duties as the Captain’s right hand man. Over the years, I’ve found that XOs can be one of three types.
The first type is a hard ass that wants to captain his own boat some day. The hard ass XO does a lot that can make things miserable for the crew. Lots of field days, inspections and strict adherence to the rules. You had better not let your hair get a quarter inch too long or your poopy suit look untidy.
The second type of XO is one that is like many sailors. They are just putting in their required time before they can return to civilian life and not have to put up with all that military BS. They will enforce the rules and regulations, but not much else.
DB was the third type of XO. He was determined to make the submarine and the Navy a better place to live and work. Although he had to enforce regulations, he interpreted many of them loosely to make things easier for the crew. For instance, if a crew member made a boo boo, he would often assign extra duties to avoid a more stringent Captain’s Mast.
When DB reported on board, he announced that he had an Open Door Policy. This meant that he was always available for consultations with the crew. He even put up a sign.
We had been on patrol for about a month and the crew was settled into the “at sea” routine. This is the boring life at see on a submarine where you get out of the rack, eat, stand watch, eat, watch a movie, eat and then go to sleep. Then, if you’re not a NON-QUAL, you wake up and do it all over again.
Late one night, Doc, Stretch and Tony were discussing the XO’s Open Door Policy while drinking a cup of coffee and eating a geedunk. For those that don’t know, a geedunk is slang for a sweet dessert. Doc, the boat’s corpsman asked Tony, the cook, how there could be an open door policy when the XO’s stateroom door was usually closed? Stretch, one of the Torpedomen said that maybe they should fix the door so it was stuck in the open position.
The three obviously were having too much sugar and caffeine. It shorted out their brains. They decided that instead of just an open door, the XO should have NO door. They started planning “Operation No Door”. The first obstacle was where to put the door so that couldn’t easily be found. They discussed hiding it in the freezer, under a deck plate in a bilge, under someone’s mattress and many more places. They finally decided on the perfect spot.
Next, they had to figure out how to get the door without anyone knowing. This turned out to be pretty easy. There aren’t a lot of sailors roaming about the boat between 0300 and 0400 hours. Unfortunately, that is also the time when the XO is usually sleeping.
A few nights later, they got their chance. The XO was called to the Radio Shack to review some message traffic. The three made their move and headed to his stateroom. They quickly unhinged the door and relocated it to their hiding area.
The XO didn’t get back to his stateroom for a couple of hours. By this time, the watch had been awakened and were eating breakfast before assuming their various duties. Around 0800, DB decided to take a tour of the boat. He didn’t say anything about the missing door, but it was obvious to the crew that he was searching for something.
It is generally known that there aren’t any secrets on a submarine. By noon, everyone knew that the XO was missing a door and the “Open Door Policy” was really open. At around 1400, he finally got on the 1MC and officially announced that his door was missing. He said it was a good joke and would whoever took it please return the darn thing.
An hour went by and the XO was back on the 1MC asking all crew members to search for his door. It wasn’t long after that before a crew member was wearing two ball caps. One cap had the bill facing forward. The second cap’s bill was facing backward. He was wearing a raincoat and walking around the boat with a magnifying glass. He told everyone not to worry. Detective Shlock was on the case and would soon find the missing door.
Schlock spent several hours searching and questioning various members of the crew. He asked everyone where they were during the midwatch and if they had noticed anything suspicious. There were several responses:
- Someone noticed that a light bulb in the Engine Room was burned out.
- A Machinist Mate reported that there were some missing rags.
- One of the Mess Cooks reported that some sugar had been spilled during Mid Rats.
- An untouched cup of coffee was reported found in the Control Room.
Crew morale was at a patrol high. Even though the boat had been searched. The door had not been found. Around 2000, DB was back on the 1MC. This time he announced that enough was enough, and his door had better be back soon.
It wasn’t long before one of the Auxillarymen was trying to attach a door from the head. It didn’t quite fit. Soon, crew members were bringing doors from all over the boat. Every shower door was tried. Doors from the galley, the sick bay, the Yeoman’s Office and more were brought to the XO’s stateroom. You would never guess that a submarine had so many doors. Unfortunately, none of them fit the hinges on the XO’s stateroom.
Someone even asked the Captain if they could try his door. With a smile, he said no. He was obviously enjoying the increased crew morale. Of course, by this time, the crew had been up for several hours and they weren’t having so much fun anymore. About this time, people started to realize that there was one place on the boat the hadn’t been searched for the door. No one enters the CO’s stateroom without permission.
Detective Shlock immediately found the Captain’s Steward and asked if the door was in his stateroom. The steward replied that the Captain didn’t let him in that day. He wanted everyone to be searching the boat to find the door. It didn’t take long for rumors to start that the CO was in on the plan.
About midnight, the XO was back on the 1MC announcing that fun and games were over. He said he was going to be in the Control Room for an hour and he expected the large stack of doors outside his stateroom, and ALL other doors to be returned to their normal places. He also said that he had personally inspected the CO’s stateroom and the missing door was not there.
True to his word, the XO returned to his stateroom at 0100. No door. He went back to the Control Room and announced that no one could go to bed until he did. He also mentioned the fact that since everyone was already up, he was thinking about having a Field Day.
Stretch, Doc and Tony met again and realized they were in deep trouble. If they announced that they were responsible for the crew’s day of fun that ended in misery, they could be ridiculed or even blackballed for the rest of the cruise. They soon decided that getting the door back would be a much harder job than removing it.
They eventually went to the Captain and professed their guilt. I mentioned earlier that the Captain was great guy and enjoyed the days entertainment. He agreed to help them with their “Closed Door Policy” plan.
At 0300, the captain entered the Control Room and told the Officer of the Deck to man battle stations. Since the entire crew was already awake, Battle Stations were manned and ready in less than ten minutes. About 0330, the CO secured the battle stations drill. The XO went to his quarters and found his stateroom door back on the hinges.
The door had been propped open. A new sign was on the door. It read: “Open Door Policy is in effect only when the door is open, NOT MISSING!”
This is where the story ends. People I tell it to always ask where the door was hidden. I usually just say that if the Cold War had turned hot that day, Russia would have been hit with a stateroom door.