Category: ‘Whatchamacallit’

Apps I’m Not Going to Download – Originally Published January 2014

September 1, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

It’s that time of year again!  Did you keep all of the New Year resolutions you made a year ago?  Me neither.  I think it’s because I haven’t been making the right resolutions.  This year is going to be different.  I’m going to keep all of my resolutions.  How can I be so sure?  It’s simple.  I’m going to resolve only one thing.

You’ve heard the saying that there is an app for everything?  I think it might be true.  This year, I am resolving not to download and install any of the following applications.

1) Ghost Radar uses your device to scan for paranormal activity and alert you when ghosts are present.
2) PeeperPeeper is one of the most useless utilities I’ve seen.  It takes a picture whenever you open a messaging application.  This will supposedly give you proof that someone is reading your messages.
3) Fake Battery is supposed to help you not have to lend someone your phone.  You can tell them “Sorry, my battery is low.”
4) Poop Log is the application you need if you want to keep track of important things like size, amount, color, frequency, etc.  This is much more information than I need to know.
5) Flying Poo appears to be a game in where you have to use your finger to find Mr. Poo a new home.
6) The Dental Video Lexicon is just the app you need if you want to watch dental operations.  Open wide and say “mafapqjdqieck”.
7) Got Cash?   Prove it!  Show everyone that you have enough cash to buy useless $200 app!  Who wants milk, anyway?  You’ve just read the developers description on the Play Store.  It has a 5.0 rating (one vote).  Surprisingly, there has been some downloads.
8) Nothing does nothing for the same price.
9) Motion Fart uses the sensor in your phone to allow you to fart by lifting your leg.
10) Idiot Detector is an application that I was tempted to try.  Then I realized that it was not needed.

There you have it.  Ten applications that I recommend you DO NOT install.  They are all real programs available from the Google Play Store.  I didn’t check if any of them are also on iTunes or Windows.  I don’t know what amazes me more: the fact that some one writes these types of apps, or that other people actually download them.

Thanks for reading.

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Christmas Gift Suggestions – Originally Published December 2013

August 26, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

Bah! Humbug!

It’s that time of the year again.  The retailers want us to spend all of our hard earned nickels on lots of things that we don’t really need.  My theory has always been that if I really need or want something, I don’t wait for Christmas.  I only have to wait until the item goes on sale for a price that I’m willing to pay.

Every year the kids and grand kids ask me what I want for Christmas.  I usually tell them something like, “a new pickup would be nice”, or “how about an internet capable 52 inch TV?”  Thankfully, they don’t have that much money and always get me something I really can use.

Over the years, I’ve gotten some great things.  Most of them were some kind of technology or computer related objects.  I’ve had so many people comment on what a great computer bag I have.  It was a Christmas present.

If you’re thinking about buying a computer or other electronic related gift for someone, here are my suggestions on what you might buy:

1) A subscription to Amazon Prime, Netflix, Hulu Plus or another streaming service is a great gift idea for someone that likes to watch movies.

2) A quality dual band router from any of the major manufacturers.

3) A McKlein Computer Bag – I’ve had mine for about five years now with never a problem.  I’ve carried it with me on many car trips, cruise ships and a few airline flights.  Their bags are all leather, with solid construction.  I recommend them without any reservations.

4) A quality solar charger will ensure that the gift recipient will always have a charged phone to answer your calls.  Rechargeable batteries would also make a great gift.

5) A subscription to Carbonite will keep their computer backed up at all times.  There are several backup programs, but Carbonite has been around for a long time and will likely not go belly-up.  It works securely in the background.

6) Google Chromecast plugs into an HDMI port on their television and will allow them to stream video from a cell phone, tablet, etc.

7) A gift card for the Google Play Store, the Apple Store, the Amazon Appstore or wherever they buy their software, music, movies, etc.

8) And the best gift suggestion of all: A membership to the Southwest Louisiana PC Users Group.

Have a Happy Christmas!

Thanks for reading.

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Things I’m Thankful For – Originally Published November 2013

August 26, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

It’s that time of year again.  November is here and it is the time for us all to give thanks.  I don’t know why I should have to do this.  Every month I end this column the same.  I always write, “Thanks for reading.”  Isn’t that enough to be thankful for?  Luckily, I’ll be able to write a full column this month because there are a lot of other things that I’m thankful for.  Here they are in no particular order.

First, but not most, I’m thankful to belong to a computer club with a newsletter where I can publish my monthly ramblings.  One of these days, I plan to really get going on my website again.  You can bet that I’ll be doing a lot of cutting and pasting.  While I’m on the subject, I’m thankful that we have a great Newsletter Editor.  Lane accepts almost all of my input, corrects and formats it and puts together the newsletter every month.  We should all tell her thanks.

Second, but neither most nor least, I’m thankful to live in Lake Charles.  I moved here to be closer to the grandsons, but there are a lot of incidental benefits.  Lake Charles has a great municipal park system.  They are all well maintained, have restroom facilities, plenty of shady benches and are frequently patrolled by law enforcement.  There are a lot of great museums in the area and lots of musical entertainment venues.  Not only are the movie theaters excellent, but who doesn’t like a movie under the stars in the park?  In fact there is only one bad thing about living in Lake Charles.  It’s hard to spell “Calcasieu” Parish.  It’s a good thing you can add words to the Libre Office spelling checker.

Third, but neither most nor least, I’m thankful that most of my Yankee relatives and friends haven’t moved here.  I have a lot of fun replying to their social posts.  When they complain about white stuff falling from the sky, I usually gripe that I have to go out and mow the lawn.  Sometimes they get upset with me when I innocently ask, “What’s snow?”

Fourth, but neither most nor least, I’m thankful that our club members seem to enjoy my monthly Mind Bender puzzle.  I’ve learned a lot of information while doing research.  Hopefully, it will help keep my mind active.  I’ll bet if I ever appeared on Jeopardy, I’d finish in third place or higher.

Fifth, but neither most nor least, I’m thankful for all of the little things that make my life easier.  I don’t know what I’d do without toilet paper, scissors, zippers, coffee, my tablet, dental flossers, Duct tape, flash drives and my recliner.

Last, but not least, I’m thankful that I’m done writing my Whatchamacallit column for another month.  Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanks for reading.

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Things I Miss About Gaming – Originally Published October 2013

August 24, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

I’ve been thinking about buying a Minecraft gaming account.  The grandson has been playing the demo and it looks like a game that I might enjoy.  I mentioned to him that I might do that and of course he is in favor of me doing it.  I told him that it wouldn’t make a difference because I couldn’t download it to his tablet.

That got to reminiscing  about one of the things I miss about playing computer games in the old days.  I miss software that didn’t have to be installed and could be run off the disk.  You didn’t have to worry about how much hard drive space was available or about memory conflicts.  If you went to a friends house, you just had to pop the disk in the drive and play on their computer.  To some extent, we can still do that with portable programs that run off a flash drive.

I’m not much of a game player these days, but I sure miss the old Infocom games.  Their advertising line was, “We put our graphics where the sun don’t shine.”  That was because there was no graphics.  The games were all text adventures.  The puzzles were all difficult.  You had to both think and imagine to play.  Maybe someday I’ll make a monthly Mindbender with questions about old games.

When was the last time you plugged a joystick into your computer?  It used to be that you needed a good one to play any games.  Wolfenstein, Space Invaders, Pacman and the many flight simulators needed one to be playable.  I still remember the last time I saw my old joystick.  It was the night I blew the dust off it and brought it to the club meeting to put on the giveaway table.

Some of the best games were free from many computer magazines.  They printed the code and you had to type it in for the program to run.  I remember sitting for hours with my six inch ruler marking the line, tediously typing in numbers and the letters a through f.  If just one digit was wrong, the software wouldn’t run and you had to spend hours troubleshooting.  I used to get a lot of good games from a company called Softdisk.  They were based in Shreveport and published several “Disk Magazines”.  Each month, I would eagerly wait for my Loadstar disk for the Commodore 64.

With the use of emulators, you can still download and play a lot of the old games on your modern computer.  If you’re interested, check out My Abandonware or The Internet Archive.  The games are free, but they don’t seem quite as good as I remember them.

I still haven’t decided if I’ll try Minecraft.

Thanks for reading.

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My Trip to Iowa – Originally Published September 2013

August 21, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

I’ve been thinking about how there is a huge electronic generation gap.  On my recent trip visiting relatives and old friends in Yankee land, there was plenty of tech in the vehicle.  There were three tablets, one laptop and three internet capable smart phones.  Surprisingly, I was the only one using Bluetooth headphones.  Prior to the trip, I had purchased a 10,000 MAh battery pack.  It turned out to be a good investment as there was something that always needed an electrical boost.  Auto makers obviously need to install more outlets.

During the trip, I noticed that most of the older people used either a flip phone or one with a slide out keyboard.  The younger folks mostly had some type of “smart” phone with easy to use text capabilities and photographing.  I was kind of surprised that many users didn’t know about some common, useful apps.  There are some new users of Gas Buddy, What’s Ahead, MX Player and Easy Battery Saver.

Over the years, I’ve made this trip several times.  It’s a fairly simple route: 171 North from Lake Charles, 71 North to Kansas City and then I-29 North to the state of Iowa (not that town to the East).  My grandson and son-in-law did the driving.  They had a Garmin GPS on the windshield.  About every half hour or so, one of them would pull get out their phone and check the navigation app to make sure we were still on the correct road.  I was also amused when someone would make a weather announcement.  I would usually just look out the window and say, “You’re right!”

One of the most amusing parts of the trip was when one of the navigators decided to take a shortcut.  One of the many mapping apps showed a shortcut.  We got off the main road and did save ten miles or so of driving.  Unfortunately, it was on a narrow, gravel road through the hills.  A typical shortcut that took twice as long to drive . What made me really laugh was when, about two hours later, they did it again.

While watching the hometown parade, walking in the park, sitting at the pool and during other photo opportunities, most of us older people were using some kind of camera.  Most of the younger ones utilized their phone camera.  A few people were holding up a tablet and just looked silly.  I think we are on are way to a time when taking photographs will be like tuning up your car.  The equipment will only be manufactured and sold to professionals and serious hobbyists.

One of the scariest things on the trip for me was just looking out the window.  In at least half of the vehicles we passed, the drivers were either talking or sending texts on their phones.  Almost without exception, they were not driving in a very straight line.  The worst one was a gal that had her phone up to the ear.  Her other hand was holding a book and steering the car.  She was not only distracted, but dangerously so.

Now that I think about it, I may have been wrong about the generation gap.  She looked to be about 70 years old.

Thanks for reading.

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Technology Generation Gap – Originally Published July 2013

August 21, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

It’s hard to believe that July is here again.  This is the time of the year when I should be thinking of taking the grandsons to a baseball game.  We should be going to the park for a picnic followed by a romp in the water park.  In the cool of the early morning, I should be doing my walking at the golf course.  In the hear of the afternoons, I should be at the swimming pool checking out the latest fashions in bikini swimwear.  July is the perfect time of year for doing so many things.

Instead, I’ve been thinking about telegrams.  On July 14, the Bharat Sanchar Nigam Limited (BSNL) will be sending the last telegraph ever.  The BSNL is India’s state run telegraph company.  When I was much younger, the telegraph was the fastest way to get an important message to someone.  Modern telegraphy really died in 2006 when Western Union discontinued their service.

Telegrams are now just another part of the generation gap between my grandchildren and me.  They have been replaced by e-mail, FAX machines and electronic banking.

Of course, modern technology has relegated many other things to the generation gap junkyard.  The first telephone I remember my parents having installed in the farmhouse was a box with a big microphone sticking out of the front.  You had to hold another microphone shaped object against your ear.  There was a small crank on the side of the box.  You turned the crank several times to wake up the operator.  When she came on the line, you simply told her who you wanted to call.  It’s all history now.  Almost everyone has a telephone in their pocket.  We don’t even call them telephones any more.  Just plain phone.

Today’s generation mostly listens to their music on a machine connected to the internet.  There are still a few compact discs around.  Cassette, reel to reel, 8-track and vinyl records are victims of the technology generation gap.

Oh well, at least I can still drive my pickup to the library.  It’s time to go visit the grandchildren.  We might play a game of Monopoly, or maybe some dominoes.  The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Thanks for reading.

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Tiny Inventions – Originally Published June 2013

August 21, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

Lately, I’ve been thinking about Google Glass.  It seems to be all the rage these days.  Almost all of the tech blog sites are writing about it.  Videos are starting to show up all over the internet.  There are many concerns about personal privacy.  People with Glass can take your photo without you even knowing about it.  There are still many questions about what the future will be.  Only two things are known for sure: 1) They look pretty ugly; and 2) the cost is $1500.

Those thoughts stimulated me to put on my inventor hat.  I think the world might be ready for the Tiny Monocle.  I would market it as the Tonocle.  The Tonocle would have many of the same functions as Glass, but would be easier to use.  You could easily put it in your eye using only the thumb and forefinger.  If you wore prescription lenses it would be easy to insert behind your eyeglasses.

An ordinary monocle uses a cord to attach it to a vest or shirt button to prevent it falling on the floor if it pops out of your eye.  The Tonocle would replace the cord with a USB cable.  It could be plugged into your phone and prevent bluetooth from broadcasting to the world.  It also could be plugged into a charging battery which is hidden in a pocket.  There would be no reason to remove the Tonocle every three hours for a recharge.  To increase profitability, I am definitely going to make the USB plugs non-standard.

While I’m inventing wearable computing stuff, I think I’ll design a Tiny belt.  The T-Belt could be fashionably worn with any style of shirt than can be tucked in.  The reason the shirt couldn’t be un-tucked is because the belt would have several sensors and cameras.  With a camera on every side of your body, you would never miss being able to record a viral video.  All of the standard sensors would be installed on the belt.  You would always have access to GPS, temperature, humidity, etc.  Similar to a money belt, the T-Belt would have storage pockets for memory cards, USB cables, etc.  The T-Belt buckle would be a case for a large battery that could be used to recharge your phone or other mobile device.

I think I’ll also invent a special flash drive.  Like the Tonocle, this would just be an improvement on existing technology.  The drive would have a small LCD screen on the outside.  The user could program a short message which would flash across the screen marquee style.  I think a flash drive with a changeable label might be a good seller.  I’m going to call it the CORdrive.

Another great invention is going to be the Tongle.  The Tongle is a specialized dongle that starts flashing whenever the boss, the wife or anyone else you designate comes within eight feet of your computer.  This would give you plenty of time to make sure there is appropriate content displayed on your monitor.  I haven’t yet figured out how to make this work, but I’m sure I can do something with RFID technology.

I could take all of the profits from the Monocle and the Tongle and invest in my anti‑theft phone case.  Whenever you go anywhere that it is possible someone would steal your phone, you would simply arm your case with a private pin number.  In the event your phone was stolen, sensors would sound a shrill alarm when the case was nine feet away from you.  Additionally, four double edged razor blades would pop out of each side of the case.  The thief would likely feel some instant pain and immediately drop the stolen phone.

I had better quit writing now and go fill out my Kickstarter applications.  I’m certain that my great ideas will have no problem raising millions of dollars in donations.  After all, the Oculus Rift Twisted did!

Thanks for reading.

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Funny Stuff On The Internet – Originally Published May 2013

August 16, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

My grandson twisted my arm last month and forced me to take him to CyPhaCon.  When I was younger, I went to a lot of science fiction conventions.  Back then it was mostly Star Trek conventions.  Now that I’m older, I have a hard time remembering if I’m a “Trekkie” or a “Trekker”.  SciFi conventions are a lot of fun.  Unfortunately, they can be pretty dangerous too.  That is why you always see uniformed police officers on duty.  About the only thing that is really safe is the healthy food you can buy.

The internet is a lot like a SciFi convention.  There are so many things to see and do.  You can even read stupid articles written by old men that ramble on about gatherings of SciFi people.  Everyone also knows about the dangers and we all keep our antivirus programs updated. I know that all of the SWLAPCUG club members have recently checked their router firmware for updates and have their firewalls activated to keep the bad guys away.  Since everyone is so safe, I thought that this month I’d talk about some of the fun things to do on the internet.

There’s about 161,000,000 of them.  I know that everyone doesn’t have the same idea of what’s fun, but maybe if I tell you about my favorite sites, you might find something entertaining.

One of the things you can find a lot of on the internet are free games to play.  If you’re looking for games, a good place to start is the Freeware Genius lists of top games.  My personal favorite online game is Texas Hold’em Poker.  There are a lot of places to play, but you’ll usually find me at World Series Poker at games.com.  If you like to play hearts, I recommend you try Bicycle Hearts at the Microsoft Gaming Zone.  The Gaming Zone has been around for quite a while and they have lots of games.

I’ve never been much of a television or movie watcher, but I love to listen to the old time radio shows.  Most evenings I’m listening to The Lone Ranger, Gunsmoke, Jack Benny, or my personal favorite, Fibber McGee & Molly.  My hard drive has about 21 GB of radio program files.  One of the best places to find them is at The Internet Radio Archive.

In December 1995, Bill Watterson retired from cartooning and I lost my daily dose of one of the funniest cartoons ever.  Now, thanks to the internet, I can still read Calvin & Hobbes everyday.  You can probably find a daily comic you’ll like at GOCOMICS, AZ Central, or ArcaMax Publishing.  None of the comics sites require registration.  Make sure you check out Pickles, another one of my favorites.

“The Alphabet has been Updated with 15 Exciting New Letters” is only one of the funny satires you’ll find in The Onion.  The fictional paper was started in 1988.  They have been around more that twenty years, so they must be doing something right.  Their fictionalized news seems so genuine that it has occasionally been cited as real news.  I’ve got to warn you though.  There is often adult language used in the paper.  Another funny satire site is the Bongo News.

Another web site that never fails to make me laugh is Geezer Planet, a senior citizen humor site.  If you like senior citizen humor, you also might like to check out Geezer Guff.

The Darwin Awards is a chronicle of enterprising demises honoring those who improve the species…by accidentally removing themselves from it!

Maybe I shouldn’t admit it, but I think some of the videos on You Tube are extremely funny.  I also visit the College Humor website almost every day.

Sometimes when I’m really bored, I click the Random Link Generator 40 or 50 times and end up finding an interesting web site to browse.

As you might or might not know, I’m a transplanted Northerner.  When I talk with my brother and sisters on Facebook, I usually translate into Southern for them.  Everybody gets a few laughs.  Translating into a dialect is easy when you use The Dialectizer.  As I write this you can convert into eight different dialects.  It hardly ever fails to make me laugh.

Here is a sample:
As y’all might o’ might not know, I’m a transplanted No’therner.  When ah talk wif mah brother an’ sisters on Facebook, ah usually translate into Southern fo’ them, dawgone it.  Ev’rybody gits a few laughs.  Translatin’ into a dialeck is easy when yo’ use Th’ Dialeckizer.  As ah write this hyar yo’ kin cornvaht into eight diffrunt dialecks.  It hardly evah fails t’make me laugh.

That’s just a few of the things I like to do on the internet for fun.  I hope you enjoyed them too and maybe found a new site you’ll visit often.  Do you have a favorite place you think everyone should know about?  Why not take a minute right now and go to the club website.  Log in, go to the forums and post the link so we can all check it out.

Oh, by the way, the grandson is already making plans for a costume for next years CyPhaCon.  I suspect it might be one that is also suitable for Contraband Days.

Thanks for reading.

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Spring Cleaning – Originally Published April 2013

August 15, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

It’s that time of year again.  Time to do that spring cleaning.  Luckily, I don’t have either a garage or an attic, so you would assume there is no need for me to do any of that mundane cleansing stuff.  What I have to spring clean every year is the closet in my computer room where all of my excess electronic stuff ends up.  Just last month a lot of people told me “thank you” for bringing in something for the give away table that they could really use.  I’ll have to tell the truth.  I wasn’t really spring cleaning.  My wife had the house re‑carpeted and I had to move all of that stuff out.  It was easier to put it in the pickup than back in the closet.

Talking about spring cleaning, this is a good time to do some computer cleaning.  If you’ve got a desktop computer, it is a good idea to shut it down, unplug the power cord, open the case and blow out all of those dust bunnies that have accumulated inside.  A can of compressed air doesn’t cost much.  Make sure you blow out all of the ventilation ducts and in the corners and underneath all of the components.  This is also a good time to check that all of your power cables, memory chips, etc. are firmly seated.  Over time they sometimes wiggle loose and cause aggravating problems.

Your keyboard can also probably use a good cleaning.  Disconnect it, turn it over and give it a good shake to get rid of the accumulated crumbs and other gunk.  You could also vacuum it with a brush attachment.  A squirt or two of your canned air will also help.  If you haven’t got rid of all the keyboard muck, a cotton swab dipped in isopropyl alcohol can be rubbed between the keys to clean them.  Just make sure that the swabs aren’t dripping wet.

Next, it’s time to clean your monitor(s).  Use your compressed air to blow the dust out of the corners.  You’ve probably got a few dust bunnies over or under the stand as well.  You can make a screen cleaner from several recipes found on the internet.  Personally, I spend a few dollars and buy one of the commercial products.  Either way, don’t directly spray the screen.  Just moisten a micro-fiber cloth and then rub the screen clean.  Wipe it dry with another cloth.

Now that you’ve got a sparkling computer, it is a good time to clean your hard drive(s).  Download a copy of Belarc Advisor.  The Advisor is a program that scans all the hardware and software on your PC.  One of the sections in the report lists all of the software installed on your machine.  It also tells you the version number, date installed, usage data and much more.  Look at the section that tells you when you last opened each program.  I’ll bet you find some that haven’t been used in more than a year.  Might be good time to get rid of them and free some space on your hard drive.

Cleaning those old programs off of your hard drive is easily done with Revo Uninstaller.  Revo uses the Windows operating system uninstaller to remove the program.  Then it checks your hard drive and registry for leftover remnants and deletes them.

After deleting all of those programs, your recycle bin is probably getting pretty full.  With CCleaner  you can easily do that  At the same time you should delete old log files and old temporary files.  As an added bonus, you can clean all of your browsers temporary files, history, cookies, download history, etc.

Now that you’ve got a clean house, a sparkling garage, a spotless attic and a smooth running, junk-less computer, you’ve got time to have a cold beverage.  Maybe you could even play some clean games.

Thanks for reading.

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Cruise Ship Technology – Originally Published March 2013

August 6, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

I’ve been cruising!  You may or may not know that I’ve been busy relaxing with the Mrs. on one of our cruise vacations.  This is our eighth time.  When other passengers ask if we like it, I usually tell them “No, but we’re going to keep trying until they get it right.  By the way, I’m writing this article on the ship.

I thought I’d take a few minutes and talk about the technology that I’ve noticed aboard the ship.  The first thing I that was new was the ship wide WIFI at a decent 54 mps.  The internet junkies can get their fix for a mere $0.75 per minute.  Of course, you could always sign up for the 480 minute plan and pay only 33 cents per minute.  I found it amusing that there was also a $3.95 sign up fee the first time you used the service.  Personally, I’m just fine with waiting until we enter port.  I’ve always been able to go ashore and find free WIFI somewhere.  That gives me a chance to check my email and do a little browsing.  It’s not a big thing.  After all, I am on vacation.

One of the things I’ve done differently this time is that I didn’t bring my laptop.  I’m writing this article on my Nexus 7 tablet with my bluetooth keyboard.  Several people (both passengers and crew members) have stopped to talk to me and ask about my setup.  I think I may have converted some people from their iPad and Kindle products.  They are mostly impressed when they see everything the Google machine can do.  By the way, this months Mind Bender was done completely on my Samsung Galaxy Note II.  One of the things you find on every cruise is trivia contests.  I just recorded the Q & A and later transcribed them into the puzzle.  It was easy to do with split screen multitasking on my Pocket PC.

Walking around the ship, I’ve noticed that hardly anyone is reading a book anymore.  There are a lot of tablets and e-book readers in sight though.  The problem is that not many of them can read in the bright sunlight.  Good thing there are a lot of shady spots on this ship.  It probably won’t be too long before you hear me say, “A book?  How quaint!.”

The shops, bars, internet cafe, coffee bars, etc. do not take cash aboard the ship.  Your room key not only electronically unlocks the door, but it is also your on board credit card.  It only takes a matter of seconds before your purchase is charged to your account.  Interestingly, the casino takes either cash or your key card.  If you use the card, there is a 3% service charge.  Go figure!

The key card is also used as a passkey to get off the ship in port.  At the start of the cruise, a web cam is used to take each passengers picture.  When going ashore, you just stick you card into a machine that looks like an ATM.  It beeps and you get off.  Coming back aboard is the same process, except for a Security Office checks your face against the picture on the file.  I was thinking that it would be fun to shave my beard while I’m ashore and see what happens.

We took the ships “Behind the Scenes” tour.  This was a guided four hour journey through various crew only areas of the ship.  Technology was in abundant use throughout.

We didn’t get to see the engine room, but we got to walk through the Engineering Control Center.  It was about the size of our meeting area at Village Green.  Two officers are on watch at all times.  In addition to the engines, all of the ship’s auxiliary systems such as the water distillers, sanitary disposal tanks, fuel tanks, electricity generators, etc. are monitored and controlled from this station.  They kept a close watch on me as I studied the setup.

In the galley (kitchen), there was a monitor at nearly every piece of cooking equipment.  The displays had instructions for the cooks telling them what to cook and when to cook it.  A computer in the head chef’s office allowed him to input his instructions into the system.  He was also able to order supplies from the storage areas.

The crews living areas had berthing, recreation and galley facilities.  They had their own cooks that used the same system as the passenger areas.  There was a large room with two or three dozen internet capable computers for crew use.  Many crew members had their own computers which they could also use.  Another thing that was available for the crew is college credit courses via the internet.  I don’t know if there was a fee or not.

By far, the most technology was visible on the bridge.  The first thing you see is a huge monitor displaying radar for several miles.  The ship’s location is accurately displayed with GPS coordinates.  Another screen displays up to date weather data and the forecast.  Several other stations had monitors with vital ships information.  Almost all of the sailing is done by auto pilot.  The Captain gives his orders and the crew enters the data into the computer.  About the only time it is done manually is for practice in case the systems go down.

Almost all of the technology I saw had a backup system that was the exact same as the original.  It was interesting to see two computers with the same data on the screen.  Now that I think about it, there was one system that didn’t have a backup.  I guess we can only hope that the windshield wipers on the bridge don’t fail.

Thanks for reading.

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