Posts Tagged: ‘Humor’

Tiny Inventions – Originally Published June 2013

August 21, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

Lately, I’ve been thinking about Google Glass.  It seems to be all the rage these days.  Almost all of the tech blog sites are writing about it.  Videos are starting to show up all over the internet.  There are many concerns about personal privacy.  People with Glass can take your photo without you even knowing about it.  There are still many questions about what the future will be.  Only two things are known for sure: 1) They look pretty ugly; and 2) the cost is $1500.

Those thoughts stimulated me to put on my inventor hat.  I think the world might be ready for the Tiny Monocle.  I would market it as the Tonocle.  The Tonocle would have many of the same functions as Glass, but would be easier to use.  You could easily put it in your eye using only the thumb and forefinger.  If you wore prescription lenses it would be easy to insert behind your eyeglasses.

An ordinary monocle uses a cord to attach it to a vest or shirt button to prevent it falling on the floor if it pops out of your eye.  The Tonocle would replace the cord with a USB cable.  It could be plugged into your phone and prevent bluetooth from broadcasting to the world.  It also could be plugged into a charging battery which is hidden in a pocket.  There would be no reason to remove the Tonocle every three hours for a recharge.  To increase profitability, I am definitely going to make the USB plugs non-standard.

While I’m inventing wearable computing stuff, I think I’ll design a Tiny belt.  The T-Belt could be fashionably worn with any style of shirt than can be tucked in.  The reason the shirt couldn’t be un-tucked is because the belt would have several sensors and cameras.  With a camera on every side of your body, you would never miss being able to record a viral video.  All of the standard sensors would be installed on the belt.  You would always have access to GPS, temperature, humidity, etc.  Similar to a money belt, the T-Belt would have storage pockets for memory cards, USB cables, etc.  The T-Belt buckle would be a case for a large battery that could be used to recharge your phone or other mobile device.

I think I’ll also invent a special flash drive.  Like the Tonocle, this would just be an improvement on existing technology.  The drive would have a small LCD screen on the outside.  The user could program a short message which would flash across the screen marquee style.  I think a flash drive with a changeable label might be a good seller.  I’m going to call it the CORdrive.

Another great invention is going to be the Tongle.  The Tongle is a specialized dongle that starts flashing whenever the boss, the wife or anyone else you designate comes within eight feet of your computer.  This would give you plenty of time to make sure there is appropriate content displayed on your monitor.  I haven’t yet figured out how to make this work, but I’m sure I can do something with RFID technology.

I could take all of the profits from the Monocle and the Tongle and invest in my anti‑theft phone case.  Whenever you go anywhere that it is possible someone would steal your phone, you would simply arm your case with a private pin number.  In the event your phone was stolen, sensors would sound a shrill alarm when the case was nine feet away from you.  Additionally, four double edged razor blades would pop out of each side of the case.  The thief would likely feel some instant pain and immediately drop the stolen phone.

I had better quit writing now and go fill out my Kickstarter applications.  I’m certain that my great ideas will have no problem raising millions of dollars in donations.  After all, the Oculus Rift Twisted did!

Thanks for reading.

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Funny Stuff On The Internet – Originally Published May 2013

August 16, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

My grandson twisted my arm last month and forced me to take him to CyPhaCon.  When I was younger, I went to a lot of science fiction conventions.  Back then it was mostly Star Trek conventions.  Now that I’m older, I have a hard time remembering if I’m a “Trekkie” or a “Trekker”.  SciFi conventions are a lot of fun.  Unfortunately, they can be pretty dangerous too.  That is why you always see uniformed police officers on duty.  About the only thing that is really safe is the healthy food you can buy.

The internet is a lot like a SciFi convention.  There are so many things to see and do.  You can even read stupid articles written by old men that ramble on about gatherings of SciFi people.  Everyone also knows about the dangers and we all keep our antivirus programs updated. I know that all of the SWLAPCUG club members have recently checked their router firmware for updates and have their firewalls activated to keep the bad guys away.  Since everyone is so safe, I thought that this month I’d talk about some of the fun things to do on the internet.

There’s about 161,000,000 of them.  I know that everyone doesn’t have the same idea of what’s fun, but maybe if I tell you about my favorite sites, you might find something entertaining.

One of the things you can find a lot of on the internet are free games to play.  If you’re looking for games, a good place to start is the Freeware Genius lists of top games.  My personal favorite online game is Texas Hold’em Poker.  There are a lot of places to play, but you’ll usually find me at World Series Poker at games.com.  If you like to play hearts, I recommend you try Bicycle Hearts at the Microsoft Gaming Zone.  The Gaming Zone has been around for quite a while and they have lots of games.

I’ve never been much of a television or movie watcher, but I love to listen to the old time radio shows.  Most evenings I’m listening to The Lone Ranger, Gunsmoke, Jack Benny, or my personal favorite, Fibber McGee & Molly.  My hard drive has about 21 GB of radio program files.  One of the best places to find them is at The Internet Radio Archive.

In December 1995, Bill Watterson retired from cartooning and I lost my daily dose of one of the funniest cartoons ever.  Now, thanks to the internet, I can still read Calvin & Hobbes everyday.  You can probably find a daily comic you’ll like at GOCOMICS, AZ Central, or ArcaMax Publishing.  None of the comics sites require registration.  Make sure you check out Pickles, another one of my favorites.

“The Alphabet has been Updated with 15 Exciting New Letters” is only one of the funny satires you’ll find in The Onion.  The fictional paper was started in 1988.  They have been around more that twenty years, so they must be doing something right.  Their fictionalized news seems so genuine that it has occasionally been cited as real news.  I’ve got to warn you though.  There is often adult language used in the paper.  Another funny satire site is the Bongo News.

Another web site that never fails to make me laugh is Geezer Planet, a senior citizen humor site.  If you like senior citizen humor, you also might like to check out Geezer Guff.

The Darwin Awards is a chronicle of enterprising demises honoring those who improve the species…by accidentally removing themselves from it!

Maybe I shouldn’t admit it, but I think some of the videos on You Tube are extremely funny.  I also visit the College Humor website almost every day.

Sometimes when I’m really bored, I click the Random Link Generator 40 or 50 times and end up finding an interesting web site to browse.

As you might or might not know, I’m a transplanted Northerner.  When I talk with my brother and sisters on Facebook, I usually translate into Southern for them.  Everybody gets a few laughs.  Translating into a dialect is easy when you use The Dialectizer.  As I write this you can convert into eight different dialects.  It hardly ever fails to make me laugh.

Here is a sample:
As y’all might o’ might not know, I’m a transplanted No’therner.  When ah talk wif mah brother an’ sisters on Facebook, ah usually translate into Southern fo’ them, dawgone it.  Ev’rybody gits a few laughs.  Translatin’ into a dialeck is easy when yo’ use Th’ Dialeckizer.  As ah write this hyar yo’ kin cornvaht into eight diffrunt dialecks.  It hardly evah fails t’make me laugh.

That’s just a few of the things I like to do on the internet for fun.  I hope you enjoyed them too and maybe found a new site you’ll visit often.  Do you have a favorite place you think everyone should know about?  Why not take a minute right now and go to the club website.  Log in, go to the forums and post the link so we can all check it out.

Oh, by the way, the grandson is already making plans for a costume for next years CyPhaCon.  I suspect it might be one that is also suitable for Contraband Days.

Thanks for reading.

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Selling It Emails – Originally Published February 2013

August 6, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

Would you believe that it has taken me a whole year to write this column?  That may sound like braggadocio, but it’s almost true.  I’ve spent the whole year of 2012 gathering data for this article.

As you may or may not know, one of the reasons I’ve kept my internet domain name is so that I can have a whole lot of email addresses.  I usually use one email address for each site that requires registration.  If I start getting a lot of spam, I can easily tell who probably sold my address.  If I would start getting spam on my club email, I could assume that one of our members may have gotten hacked.

During the holidays of 2011, I noticed that emails from sites trying to sell me stuff seemed to increase.  I got curious and on January 1, 2012, I changed my e-mail filters to automatically forward sales mail to a special folder.  For an entire year, I saved the e-mails from the following sites:

AARP
Amazon
Best Buy
Books A Million
HP
Zinio

The only e-mails I saved were the ones that I didn’t expect.  For instance mail confirming purchases went into their normal folders.  Mail from Amazon asking me to rate products were not saved.

Which site do you think was the worst mailer?  You may be surprised.  I was.

I received 268 unrequested communications from Books A Million.  In fairness, I must tell you that a portion of them were due to an error by me.  I originally signed up with the company when I purchased a discount membership card at the local store.  In October, I made an online purchase and accidentally used the wrong mail address (books instead of book).  You guessed it.  I started getting email from them two at a time.  I used their unsubscribe link on one address, but it didn’t work.  These days, Books A Million is getting a return to sender error message.

The 111 emails I got from AARP didn’t really surprise me.  After all, their monthly magazine usually has about 30 advertising inserts.  These emails are all definitely from sales of my address.  I’ve changed my filter.  If AARP ever sends me something important, I won’t see it because it goes right to the deleted folder.

The 100 emails from Amazon were suggestions of products that I might like.  I’ll never know if I like any of them, because I didn’t read any.

I was surprised that Best Buy only sent me 30 emails.  That was even less that the 65 sent by HP.  Go figure!

Zinio is a magazine subscription service that tried 27 times to sell me a new magazine subscription.  I don’t spend nearly that much time in the bathroom.

I didn’t check monthly totals, but I noticed a marked increase between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I wonder why?  If you do a lot of online buying, consider your email setup, there are several places on the internet where you can get a free email address.  Don’t clutter your inbox with mail you don’t really want.

That’s all for this month.  Thanks for reading.

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The End of the World – Originally Published January 2013

August 4, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

Can you believe it?  It’s January already (I’m assuming that the Mayans were incorrect).  Another New Year is underway.  I had thought about waiting until December 21 to start this article, but decided to stick with my normal schedule.

I’m thinking that way back then the Mayan king probably had a warped sense of humor and told his calendar maker to end it all on December 21, 2012.  He probably said something like, “That will scare the heck out of everyone in the future.”  It could also have been an honest mistake.  Maybe there was a transcription error and we have to worry in 2102 instead of 2012.

There have been so many other calender “end of the world” scares.  Remember Y2K?  That didn’t happen either.  I can tell you now that it was me that saved the world.  I changed the clock on my network time so that all of my electronics never did change to the year 2000.  After two years, when the scare was over,  I finally allowed my clocks to update.

June 6, 2006 was another one of those days that the world was supposed to end.  When you write the date as 6/6/06, it supposedly was the mark of the Devil and he was coming to destroy us all.  I’m guessing he probably had a bad satellite signal and his GPS wasn’t working.  That minor electronic problem probably caused him to get stuck in traffic.

The decade of the 1980’s was going to be the end of the world several times.  It seems like everyone from Pat Robertson to the Jehovah’s Witnesses had proof positive that the “rapture” would be here soon.  Is it a coincidence that is the same era that personal computers started to become popular?  I can’t remember what George Orwell thought about it.

Google search has informed me that in the next hundred years, the world will end at least 42 different times.  It appears that computers have been pretty useful in analyzing data and helping the predictors predict the inevitable.

Now for the good news.  You don’t have to worry about the end of the world for a while yet.  Nostradamus made a detailed list of future predictions.  His prophecies end abruptly in the year 3797.  That’s when I’m going to worry.

That’s all for this month.  Thanks for reading.

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Bah! Humbug! – Originally Published December 2012

August 4, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

Bah!  Humbug!
It’s that time of the year again.  The retailers want us to spend all of our hard earned nickels on lots of things that we don’t really need.  My daughter always tells me that it is hard to buy me a Christmas present because I don’t need anything.  I tell her that makes it easier.  Don’t buy me anything.  It never works that way though, but it’s alright.  I can always use socks and t‑shirts (if they’ve got a pocket).

Bah!  Humbug!
About the only difference in the holiday season every year is that it usually seems to start earlier and earlier.  This year, I saw my first Christmas display on labor day.  Newegg started advertising Black Friday deals sometime during the first part of November.  Black Friday is now Black Thursday.  You’d at least think they could change it to Fifty Shades of Grey Thursday.  I’m expecting the 2013 season to start around the Fourth of July.

Bah!  Humbug!
During the holiday season, I spend a lot more time online getting my news.  I refuse to pay extra for a newspaper on Thanksgiving Day.  Do they really expect me to pay more for extra advertising?  I can look at all the same ads online for free.  It’s better to wait until January and get the leftover prices.  Retailers don’t want unsold merchandise taking up shelf space.

Bah!  Humbug!
Every year, I’ve got to listen to some novelty song about five zillion times.  I’m just happy that Grandma doesn’t get run over by a reindeer as often as she used to.

Bah!  Humbug!
It’s that time of year when we get to watch all of those TV specials and rerun movies that are better off forgotten.  It was a Wonderful Life when it was a movie, but 9000 times as a TV special leaves something to be desired.  Did you know that Jimmy Stewart has been dead for fifteen years?  The only good thing you can say is that during the holidays, we don’t have to watch the regular lousy television programming.  Don’t get me started on Chirstmas commercials.

Oh well.  Time for me to stop bah humbugging and write some club related stuff.  I’d like to remind everyone that club dues are due this month.  Two dollars a month is a small price to pay for the benefits of club member ship.  Not only are meetings informative, buy you get access to the club website with a large number of links to “How To” sites, free software downloads, back newsletters, and much more.  I urge you to renew your membership and to tell your friends about the club.  Bring them to a meeting.  The more members we have the more knowledge there is to share.  After all, we are “ Users Helping Users”.

Bah!  Humbug!  My wife just told me to put my shoes on because she wants me to go and help pick out the daughters’ Christmas present.  I know what she really means is that I’ll have to carry something.

Thanks for reading.

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Holiday Ranting & Raving – Originally Published November 2012

August 4, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

Here they come again!  This is the time of the year when the Holiday idiots show their true colors to the rest of the world.  So many people at this time of year forget to stop and think.  Others remember to stop, but forget to think.

I’m writing this article in October, but I’ll bet I can predict the news reports we’ll get on November 1.  Some poor kid will get either razor blades or poison in their candy.  Dentist’s will buy Halloween candy by the pound.  Convenience stores will get robbed by people in their Halloween costumes.  Someone will get run over by a drunken driver.

October and November is also when tech companies make all their new product announcements.  Do you think it has anything to do with the upcoming Christmas season?  So far, this years announcements have been more ironic than usual.  Apple announced a seven inch iPad.  Makes me wonder if Steve Jobs was wrong on any other predictions?  Microsoft is making a foray into the hardware business.  Google is increasing the pressure on both software and hardware rivals.  The only thing I can’t figure out is why,  If they can afford to sue each other for billions of dollars, can’t they lower their prices a little.

Halloween is followed by an even scarier holiday – Thanksgiving.  If you’re wondering what I’m talking about, your spouse has never taken you out for Black Friday Shopping.  I’m a fan of good shopping deals, but not if they come at the risk of life and limb.  The Thanksgiving news stories are also the same every year.  There will be at least one customer trampled to death when the doors are opened on Friday.  Isn’t it strange that it usually happens at a Walmart?  Is it because they are the biggest retailer?  Do they have the best deals?  Could it be that their customers are less intelligent?

Other news stories for this holiday will include the celebrities that are working in the soup lines.  Is it a publicity stunt, or do they do it year round without making headlines?  My personal favorites are the people that have to do community service for drunken driving and then get the free publicity.  Lets not forget about all of the Turkey jokes we’ll see on the internet.  For some reason, I think a lot of them this year will have Sesame Streets Big Bird in the punch line.

After we struggle through the Thanksgiving holiday, we can look forward to being bombarded with advertising for all kinds of technology to put under the Christmas tree.  It’s a shame that most of it is so overpriced.  Do you suppose that might account for the increasing crime rate that seems to occur around the end of the year?

Once again, we get to read about the celebrities feeding the downtrodden.  At Christmas time, we seem to get more politicians manning the ladles.  I can never figure out why that is.  The elections are over for the year.  The only thing I really like about this holiday is the after holiday sales.

When I was younger, I used to really worry about meeting a drunken driver on the highway.  The holidays were a reason for extra anxiety, but thanks to technology, we don’t have to worry about getting killed by a drunk.  If you get in an accident, it will most surely be due to someone sending a text on their telephone.

I suppose by now you’re getting tired of my ranting and raving about the holidays.  I’d continue on and tell you about New Years Day, but I’ll save that for next year.

Thanks for reading.

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Naming the New iPAD – Originally Published April 2012

July 31, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

All of the hype is finally over.  The new iPad was released.  No, not the iPad 3, but the “new iPad”.  I’d guess that the naming was some kind of marketing strategy.  The new iPad isn’t really a whole lot better than the the iPad 2.  You’ve got to get the users thinking “new”.  Get them to upgrade the “old”.

Two things surprised me about the iPad 2012.  Oops, I meant the“new iPad”.  Kim Kommando wasn’t overly impressed with the machine.  She even suggested to one of her on air callers that they not upgrade.  I was even more surprised when Leo Laporte said he just couldn’t wait to get the new iPad. He was mostly interested in the retina display.

All of the ballyhoo got me to thinking.  Why did Apple ever start naming so many products “i” something?  Was the strategy that iNSANE prices could be iMPLEMENTED for iDIOTS to get rid of their iNCOME?

Who knows?  I can only imagine that Apple considered other letters.  That makes me wonder if I can figure out why they weren’t used:

aProduct – the Apple Pad would alienate orange, banana and other fruit lovers.
bProduct – Boy are we ever making a lot of money.
cProduct – Computer could have been used if the company name hadn’t been changed.
dProduct – Duh, it just works.
eProduct – Extra pricey.
fProduct – the Flash-less pad.
gProduct – Geeks won’t buy it because they can’t tweak.
hProduct – Holy Apple Grail.
iProduct – I can’t think of anything for this letter..
jProduct – Jailbreak Jobs machines if you dare.
kProduct – Kim pad.  She wasn’t impressed.
lProduct – Local Integrated Software Architecture wouldn’t make a good acronym..
mProduct – Mostly Hype will sell lots of Macintosh stuff.
nProduct – Nobody ever watches You Tube anyway.
oProduct – Only Apple Software will run.
pProduct – Priced high means more money.
qProduct – Quality is a seven letter word.
rProduct – Ronald Wayne should never have sold his third..
sProduct – Steve and Steve: Jobs and Wozniac.
t-Product – Technology? Lets trick Microsoft into helping us.
uProduct – an Unusual User letter would never work.
vProduct – Victory would get mixed up at sea.
wproduct – Wayne is gone and Wozniak is too hard to spell.
xProduct – more than one X would be needed to sell.
yProduct – You in a name would never catch on.
zProduct – Ziggy just sounds too cartoonist.

Oh well.  It was a fun fantasy, but now I’m wondering why HP calls their computer a Pavilion.  Why is the Dell a Dimension?  Why did COMPAQ choose Presario?  I have no idea what a Vaio, Portege or Tecra is.  I sure hope that I don’t start pondering cell phone names.

Thanks for reading.

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Stupid Things I’ve Done – Originally Published March 2012

July 30, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

Forrest Gump said, “Stupid is as stupid does.“  Could this mean that an intelligent person who does stupid things is still stupid?  Everyone has heard the stories of the computer user that used their disk player as a coffee cup holder.  Did you hear about the computer user that called tech support trying to figure out why their computer wasn’t working?  Turns out there was a power outage.  When you Google “stupid computer stories” you get about 6,660,000 hits.  No matter how you look at it, we’re talking about a lot of stupidity.

Lately, I think I might be the number one stupid computer user on the planet.  Recently, I had a problem with Microsoft Outlook.  None of my e-mails were being downloaded.  I thought it was probably a Suddenlink problem.  When I checked e-mail with a web browser program, my mail was on the server.  Outlook just wouldn’t download it to my computer.  With my typical “smart” thinking, I was sure I could solve the problem without calling tech support.  I searched the internet an found no answers.  After three days of frustration, I solved the problem by accident.  After a download with Outlook, there was once again no e-mail in my in box.  Then I accidentally clicked on my deleted items folder and there was my e-mail.  It turns out that I had created a new mail rule.  I mistakenly caused it to transfer all of my mail to the deleted folder.  I keep Outlook set to empty the deleted items folder whenever I exit the program.  For three days, I was downloading and deleting all of my e-mail.

Avast anti-virus recently recently released the Version 7 upgrade to their program.  Whenever I install software, I’m really careful about reading the EULA and carefully inspecting the install boxes.  Sure enough, the installer had an option to install Chrome and make it my default browser.  Of course, the boxes were checked.  No problem.  I’m “smart” and unchecked them before installing.  I’ve got several computers, so you can probably guess what I did on the third install.  When I rebooted the computer, I had a new default browser.

Oh yes, I’ll admit that I did it. I broke the number one stupidity rule.  I clicked on a link that I shouldn’t have.  Luckily, I have a good firewall and no harm was done.

Not too long ago, one of my DVD drives quit working for no reason at all.  It turns out that there was a reason.  When I installed a new hard drive, I unplugged the disc power cord to make it easier to reach the brackets.  I don’t know why I forgot to plug it back in.  Another easily solved stupid problem.

I’m going to keep looking at the bright side of computing.  At least I haven’t broken any ports by forcing the cables in upside down – yet.  I also haven’t deleted any important files – yet.  I haven’t spilled coffee on my keyboard – yet.

One last stupid thing I’ve done.  It’s not computer related, but if you ask me, I’ll tell you how my being “smart” at a local convenience store almost resulted in a fight.

Thanks for reading.

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Technological New Year Resolutions – Originally Published January 2012

July 29, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

I’ve been writing this monthly column since February of 2009.  One of the things I’ve learned is that it is usually pretty hard to decide what topic to write on each month.  January is almost a gimmee topic.  Technological New Year’s Resolutions that I’m going to try and keep.

This year I’m going to try to be better at doing my data backups.  I’ve got a backup schedule, but sometimes put it off to do other things.  I know it’s not wise to do that, but sometimes I accidentally eat a stupid pill.

This year I’m going to try harder to write a monthly column for the newsletter and actually submit it in a timely manner.  I know that waiting until the last minute just makes it harder for the editor to complete the monthly bulletin.

This year, I’m going to finally finish organizing all of my electronic media.  I’ve got photo albums and pictures stored on several different hard drives.  I’m slowly getting them transferred to my big network hard drive.  I can probably delete a few thousand pictures and still have plenty left.  Do I really need more than one picture of the same scene?

I’m going to do the same thing with my music.  I’ve got a lot of CD’s.  I think that I’ve ripped some of them four or five times.  Eventually, I hope to have them all located in one place.

This year, I’m going to update my website more often.  I think I’ll steal some of Tom’s ideas and add some technical columns.  I could at least upload my Whatchamacallit and Lagniappe articles.  I’ve had WordPress set up for some time, so it is only a matter of doing it.

This year I’m going to quit downloading and installing software that I’ll probably never use.  Do I really need another digital photo editor?  Will a different media player make my mp3’s sound better?  How many file cleaners do I really need?  Then of course, there are the games I’ve downloaded, played once and forgotten about.

This year, I’m going to frequently remind all club members to help make our club a little better.  It doesn’t take much to do.  Just share your experiences with software or hardware you use.  You’d be surprised at what you know that someone else doesn’t.  Some of my favorite web sites were recommended to me by someone else.  This year, we had a presentation on Dropbox.  That convinced me to give it a try.  Now I use it all of the time.

Why don’t you write a one paragraph article for the Newsletter or Club Web Site.  Let everyone know how great or lousy that electronic device you just bought is?  Why not post a note on the club forum when you’ve found a sale where all our club members can save a few dollars?  Maybe the most important contribution you could make is letting the Club Officers know what topics you would like to hear about at the monthly meeting.  Why not make a suggestion on what you’d like to read about in the newsletter?

On a different subject, I’d like to take a paragraph and say how much I enjoyed the 2011 club Christmas meeting.  I thought the gifts were all pretty good and my wife is getting a lot of use out of mine.  I can’t believe I actually traded for a candle.  Can you tell who makes the decisions at my house?  As always, the food was delicious and the company was better.  The small crowd size was somewhat disappointing.

That’s all for this month.  Thanks for reading.

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Black Friday Shopping – Originally Published December 2011

July 25, 2014 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

Bah!  Humbug!  It’s that time of the year again.  This year I had planned not to be as grumpy during the holiday season as I usually am.  I think it all goes back to when I was in the Navy.  I was a ship’s cook and ended up working almost every Thanksgiving and Christmas for more than twenty years.  Just another day in the salt mines.

My daughter and her family alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas every year with us in Lake Charles and her in-laws in Baton Rouge.  This year was Thanksgiving in the capitol.  My wife told me she wanted to go to Best Buy and wait for the opening so she could buy a TomTom GPS for the oldest Grandson.  I got the model number they were selling and did an internet search.  I found the exact same model for the same price plus free shipping.  That was a line she could easily avoid. I almost forgot to tell you the name of the online merchant with the same deal.  It was Best Buy.

After a delicious turkey dinner at the Cracker Barrel in Sulphur, I was busy relaxing in the computer room playing some online poker.  The wife came in and asked if I was sure I didn’t want to go shopping with her.  I got the hint and put on my shoes.  I was off on my first ever Black Friday shopping excursion.  With any luck at all, it will also be my last ever Black Friday experience.

Our first stop was at Toys R Us.  We had to park in the Walmart parking lot.  We got in the line which went from the door to the South side of the building.  The queue made a bunch of double backs in the parking lot and then looped around the East side of the store.  I estimate the line was about ten miles long.  It was hard to make an adequate guess, but I know it was long.  We stood in the line for about twenty minutes before the boss decided we would start at Walmart.

We got to Wally’s World about 9:30 pm.  The bicycle she wanted to buy was in the Garden Center.  It took about twenty minutes to get from the front door to the line for the bikes.  I’m not one hundred percent sure, but I think this was the only product that had an organized line to stand in and wait to make a purchase.  It actually wasn’t too much of a hassle.  I’m glad that was the only thing she wanted to buy.  The other sale items were on pallets in the aisle.  They had plastic wrapping and hand written signs telling us they were not for sale until 10:00 pm.  Shoppers were clustered around the various stacks.  For some reason, they reminded me of vultures waiting for something to die so they could feast.  I counted at least four uniformed law officers.  I’m pretty sure there were more scattered throughout the store.

After the melee at Walmart we headed over to Target for their midnight start to Black Friday.  We got their about a half hour early and got in the line which stretched back to the AT&T store.  Luckily for me, they still had their wireless turned on and I was able to download some reading material for my tablet.  When Target opened, the line moved fairly fast.  We got to enter the store about 12:30 am.  I was surprised to find how organized they were.  There were several employees on hand to direct the traffic in a semi-orderly direction. There wasn’t much crowding around the aisles.  My wife bought a few games and I bought a tin of Altoids.

I finally understand why every year, the shootings, pepper spray, stampedes and other problems occur at Walmart and hardly ever at any of the other retailers.  A little bit of organization and structure goes a long way.

When we left the store the line of people had been replaced by a line of trash along the sidewalk.  Luckily for whoever had to clean it up, there was plenty of room in the trash cans outside the various store fronts.  I’ve never liked litterers and they have just given me another reason to dislike the “Black Friday” hoopla.

Next year, my daughter will be here to go shopping with my wife.  I think I already feel a terrible headache starting.  It will probably peak on Thanksgiving Day 2013.

Thanks for reading.

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