Posts Tagged: ‘Humor’

‘Twas (2019-12)

July 12, 2022 Posted by Tiny

‘Twas
By Tiny Ruisch

Without any apologies to Clement Clarke Moore

‘Twas eleven days before Christmas, when all through the city
Not a Cajun was stirring, it was such a pity.
At the Broadmoor gym there was a great party,
Even Tiny was there. He was such a smarty.

The members had brought food and good stuff to eat,
And the club provided drinks and even some meat.
The room was decorated with ribbons and stuff,
Everyone thought it looked great sure enough.

President Pat was in such a good mood,
That she told all the members to start eating the food.
When out in the parking lot there arose such a clatter,
Everyone quieted down and stopped all their chatter.

Then I glanced at my tablet and what did I see?
A spritely little man, just as plain as could be.
With a little old driver, in charge of the kernel,
I knew in a moment it had to be Cal.

More rapid than alligators his cursors they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
“Now Barney! Now Inez! Now, Paul and Phil!
On, Juanita! On, Faye! On Richard and Bill!

To the top of the hard drive! Across the monitor display!
We’ve got to get moving on Florida Boulevard right away!
Turn the corner by Broadmoor, the Presbyterian church,
If you can’t find the gym, do an internet search.

Cal didn’t do any talking but went straight to his chore.
Of passing out the prizes the numbers called for.
And then Chandan recovered the use of her jaws,
And asked in a whisper, “Is that really Cal Claus?”

Everyone laughed as the party came to a close,
Then wondered if this story might be too verbose.
If you’re reading this in the newsletter, the Editor decided all right.
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!”

Over-Technologied in the Hospital (2021-07)

June 25, 2021 Posted by Tiny

Thoughts From a Clicker

By Tiny Ruisch

Way back in November of 2010, I invented a new computing term.  I can’t believe that it hasn’t caught on.  Over‑technologied is a name that I made up to describe a situation where technology is used either unnecessarily, stupidly, inadequately or in some other silly manner.  I think that people who have the latest, greatest, newest technology and then don’t know how to use it are extremely over‑technologied.  I made up the word, so I guess I can make up the definition.

I recalled this article during my recent four day stay at the hospital.  I was in a lot of pain, flat on my back and needing lots of rest to recover.  For most of the visit, I had three separate IV tubes attached.  Intravenous Line technology has sure changed.  I remember when the nurse would attach the tube and start the medicine.  Every hour or so, someone would check to see if the drip was still working and replace the bag if necessary.

Now we have fancy technology to control the IV flow.  It is a small box that monitors the drip.  If the bag empties or there is a problem with the tube, an extremely loud alarm starts beeping.  It was very loud and reminded me of that old saying about “waking the dead.”   This sounds like a great system.  Unfortunately, there were a few problems.  More than one time, I fell asleep and moved my arm into the wrong position.  The machine would sound the alarm and wake me up.  It would usually stop before the nurse could come in to check.  I think that it was a great example of over‑technology.

Hospital beds have improved so much that they have become over‑technologied.  They have buttons that allow you to adjust them to every conceivable position.  I had a hard time figuring out how to just make it go flat like a bed.  When an aide wheeled me to an MRI scan, the bed wouldn’t fit in the elevator.  He pushed one of the adjustment buttons and the bed got shorter.  Luckily, after waking up back in the room, the nurse knew how to re‑extend the bed.  I didn’t have to spend the rest of my time in the hospital with my knees bent.

As a diabetic, I’ve become accustomed to checking my glucose level.  I use a meter that is just a little larger than an Oreo cookie.  The meter used in the hospital was a little larger.  About the size of a large paper‑back book, it had a lot of room for electronics.  It worked the same way with a standard test strip.  Before taking my glucose, the machine was used to scan my wrist band.  I never asked, but I assumed that the reason for all the technology in the meter was for record keeping purposes.  The machine might not have been over‑technologied, but it sure doesn’t seem to need many updates to become so.

Even with all the medical technology, the doctors haven’t been able to identify what caused my medical problem.  I don’t have to worry though. I’ve been scheduled to visit many specialists and take several tests.  I’m pretty sure that I’ll have more chances to see some medical over‑technology.  Meanwhile, I’m feeling much better with plenty of old-fashioned bed rest, chicken soup, liquids, etc.  Maybe I just need a mustard poultice.

Thanks for reading and keep on clicking.

Goodbye Adobe Flash

January 3, 2021 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

Without any apologies to Shakespeare, I bid farewell to Adobe Flash.

Alas, poor Flash!  I knew it, dear readers: a program
of infinite errors, of most excellent fantasy: it hath
crashed my computer a thousand times; and now, how
scorned in my imagination it is!  my mind rims at
it.  Here hung those updates that I have missed I know
not how oft.  Where be your mockers now?  your
erratic installs?  your songs?  your flashes of merriment,
that were wont to set the monitor on a roar?  Not one
now, to mock your own smirking?  quite chip-fallen?
Now get you to my recycle bin, and tell everyone, let
her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must
come; make her laugh at that.

Last month Adobe retired their multimedia software platform used for production of animations, Rich web applications, desktop applications, mobile apps, mobile games and embedded web browser video players.  Flash got its start as SmartSketch, a vector drawing application.  This was later morphed into a new program, FutureSplash Animator.  This was the software that was used to launch the animated TV series “The Simpsons”.

In 1996, Macromedia purchased FutureSplash and re­‑branded it as the Macromedia Flash Player.  Over the years, there were several improvements to the software.  This led to a period where almost all web sites used Flash in some way.  Many were programmed totally in Flash.

Macromedia was acquired by Adobe in 2005.  The entire Macromedia product line including Flash, Dreamweaver, Director, Shockwave, Fireworks and Authorware were renamed to Adobe.  Many say this is when the Flash Player started its downward trend.  In 2010, Steve Jobs banished it from the iPhone for being too insecure.  In reality, Flash became a prime target for hackers.  Adobe was constantly patching bugs, a process which often created new ones.  In 2017, Adobe announced the End Of Life for Flash would be December 2020.

Adobe Flash had a life of fifteen years.  In technology years, that is a fairly long time.  In “Flash” years, not so much.  The Flash first appeared in comic books in 1940.  He’s been around in movies, television, games and other media since then.  Flash Gordon debuted in 1934.  Although he has spent a lot of time lost in outer space, he has also often been resurrected in movies and TV.  Not too many people remember Flash Thompson.  He was a character in the early years of Spider Man.  He also made several appearances in later years.

As a matter of full disclosure, I must admit that I won’t miss Adobe Flash.  I haven’t allowed it on any of my machines for about four years.  I for one, hope that it never gets a new life

Thanks for reading.

Santa and Covid

December 11, 2020 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

Could it be that all of this Covid stuff was started by Santa Claus?  I got to wondering about this the other day when I started reading news stories that the little kiddies won’t be allowed to climb up on his lap this year.  After so many years of little monsters pulling his beard and peeing on him, I can see why he might do something drastic to change things.

Could it be that this isn’t the first time Santa has done some evil that has been blamed on something else.  After all, who else do we know that uses red as a primary color?  How do we know that those big, baggy pants aren’t really just needed to hide a tail.  Same way with his hat.  How do we know it isn’t just covering a couple of horns.  Are there any other names that “Santa” anagrams to?  Has anyone ever seen Santa and that other guy together at the same time?

Doesn’t it strike you as odd that “Covid” has the exact same number of letters that “Santa” does?  Even more strange is the fact the Santa’s real name, “Kris Kringle” also has the same amount of letters as Covid’s real name, “coronavirus”.  This is obviously by design.

Want more proof that Santa is the cause of this virus?
• Do an internet search and you will find thousands of articles about people who have proven that the virus isn’t real.  The only people that think Santa Claus is real are young children.
• Santa relies on people to deliver gifts from person to person to spread his evilness.  The virus relies on people to transfer it from person to person.
• As far as I know, the virus is neither a he or a she.  I’ve seen some articles that argue that Santa might be either.
• There’s a lot about the Covid we don’t understand.  The same is true for Santa.
• Santa likes both boys and girls.  He doesn’t care who he infects with Christmas cheer.  The virus also doesn’t care who gets infected.
• There is a lot about the coronavirus we don’t understand.  There’s a lot about Santa we don’t understand.
• Many parents in their leadership roles tell their children that Santa doesn’t exist.  Many politicians have done the same with Covid.
• Both Santa and the virus seem to be everywhere.

I’ve probably bored you enough.  I could go on for pages about how Santa and Covid are the same.  After all, Santa does have a funny looking nose that is eerily similar to the virus shape.  I’m going to start working on an article proving that Santa is a woman.

Thanks for reading.

Skool Dayze

September 6, 2020 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

With the COVID-19 pandemic in raging at full speed, there are a lot of changes in everyday activities.  All of my computer clubs and submarine veterans meeting are being held on‑line.  About the only time I ever leave my apartment is to dump the trash and check the mail.  With almost every thing being done electronically, the mail usually increases the amount of trash.  This is just another one of life’s little circles.

One of the biggest changes is in schooling.  Livingston Parish, like many other school districts, has shifted to on‑line instruction.  My youngest grandson is starting his Freshman year.  He is one of the students.  The school has issued him a thirteen inch Dell laptop.  I would describe him has being almost home schooled.

His parents live in the country.  Their internet service is via satellite.  He’s convinced his parents that he should come to Grandpa’s to do his schooling.  After all, he needs fast internet.  That does make sense, doesn’t it?

It only took me a few hours to realize that there was a tiny amount of smoke being blown into the air in the direction of my rear end.  It turns out that it is much more difficult to do farm chores when you aren’t at the farm.

I’ve written before about why he likes to visit.  He doesn’t come to see me.  He likes to play games and comes to visit my desktop computer.  When he is here, I am usually relegated to using my laptop.  It really isn’t a problem, except when I’m writing or coding.  I mostly miss having a full size keyboard.  The extra monitors are also nice.

So far, the typical Grandpa School Day starts with a student drop off around seven in the morning.  This is dependent on whether Mom or Dad is driving the school bus.  The classroom is in a bedroom.  His desk is a fold‑able card table.  His text books are stacked on the clothes dresser.  So far, the school uniform has been t‑shirt and shorts.

Class starts at eight.  So far, I don’t think there as been a lot of actual teacher to student instruction.  Mostly it seems to be assigning worksheets.  To be honest, I haven’t paid a lot of attention.

The first day, I told him that I was going open my router settings and block YouTube during school hours.  That turned out not to be feasible.  Blocking YouTube meant that I couldn’t watch Rawhide, Have Gun Will Travel, The Rifleman and many of my other favorite old time TV shows.

I’ve been attending a lot of Zoom meetings. This has caused an occasional conflict of interests.  I won’t let him use the desktop.  I’m not giving up my good camera and microphone.  Student break to play a game or Grandpa club meetings.  I’ll let you guess who wins in this situation.

So far, the best thing about home schooling at Grandpa’s house is that Grandpa got an idea for an article to write.
Thanks for reading.

Tiny Inventions IV – Originally Published May 2020

May 5, 2020 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

I’m still not a millionaire.  Back in June 2013, I thought for sure one of my Tiny Inventions would be picked up for production.  Tiny Inventions II in March 2017 didn’t do any better, so I tried again in March 2019 with Tiny Inventions III.  You would think that I should have learned by now.

I haven’t so here are some more of my ideas for inventions to make those big bucks.
1) Battery technology has really advanced in recent years.  The problem is that they still have to be recharged.  You need to always carry cables, battery packs, solar chargers, etc.  The Tinarger will solve this problem.  This small device is a dongle that will connect to the phones USB port.  Simply speaking into the Tinarger will active a mini‑wind turbine to recharge the device.  Hot air blowhards can finally put their talent to a good use.

2) The Tinoilet is a modification to a standard toilet that will replace the flushing mechanism.  The tank lid that is usually used for storing odd things like decorative soaps will be replaced with a hand washing sink.  After using the toilet, users would wash their hands under running water that fills the tank.  When the users hands are cleaned, the waste wash water will then flush the Tinoilet.

3) Speaking of bathrooms, don’t you hate it when the mirror fogs and you have to wipe it with a towel?  The TinyWiper will solve that problem.  It works like a standard car windshield wiper and is powered by a small battery that is automatically recharged by light from bathroom fixtures.

4) The TinyMill is a needed exercise device.  Many doctors recommend walking.  Unfortunately, walking can be bad for your knees.  The TinyMill is a large tub with a revolving surface.  You can walk and soak at the same time.

5) The Tinife is an electrically heated knife with multiple settings and uses.  You can replace your toaster by toasting the bread while you slice it.  If you use pre-sliced bread, simply rub the Tinife over the slice.  If you’re slicing meat, you can warm it at the same time.  Hard butter pats are no longer a problem.  They melt as you spread.  The best feature is that the Tinife sanitizes itself.

I sure hope that someone will take my ideas and put them on the market.  I could use the money.  I’m also running out of ideas.

That’s all for this month.  Thanks for reading.

Christmas Gag Gifts – Originally Published December 2019

December 8, 2019 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

Bah!  Humbug!  It’s that time of the year again.  The retailers want us to spend all of our hard earned nickels on lots of things that we don’t really need.  About the only difference in the holiday season every year is that it usually seems to start earlier and earlier.  This year, I saw my first Christmas display on labor day.  I’m expecting the 2020 season to start around the Fourth of July.  Every year, I’ve got to listen to some novelty song about five zillion times.  I’m just happy that Grandma doesn’t get run over by a reindeer as often as she used to.

There is one thing that I do look forward to every year.  The SWLAPCUG has a Christmas party.  The White Elephant exchange of gifts is always a fun time.  There is usually the “one” gift that everyone tries to get.  This year I thought I’d help out the club members selecting that “perfect” gift to bring.

This Bluetooth Beanie Hat will replace your your headset or ear pods and will keep your head warm at the same time.  I can think of multiple uses for this.  I’d probably wear it a lot when I’m sitting in my easy chair.

The Official BS Button would get a lot of use in many of the places that I go to.  The only problem is that it could cost me a small fortune to buy replacement batteries.

ThxToms Flashlights Gloves would be a good gift for somebody.  I’m not sure who, but somebody.

This 32gb thumb drive is pretty thumby.

Sometimes the Gift Box can be better than the gift.

See y’all on December 9.
Thanks for reading.

Does Size Matter?

November 10, 2019 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

I often wonder about a lot of things.  Lately I’ve been thinking about magnitude.  Does size matter?  No, I’m not writing a post with innuendos about things that you might find in someones bedroom.  I’m not thinking about how big your car might be or even the size of our President’s ego.  I’ve been contemplating the size of the various electronic stuff that I use.

It all began when I recently purchased a new tablet.  I’ve routinely used a tablet since the Nexus 7.  My portable needs were never very high.  I use my tablet mostly for reading library books and magazines, listening to podcasts and playing a few games.  I never needed high end performance or top of the line components.  My biggest requirement was always buying a 7 inch tablet.  I liked that size because they easily fit in the side pocket of my cargo shorts.  This time, I couldn’t find a decent 7 inch tablet for less than $100.  I opted to buy a Chuwi 8 inch.  It works fine and I like it a lot, except for the extra inch.  It fits in my pocket, but not quite in my hand.  The feel just isn’t there.  I often feel like it is ready to fall out of my hand.  I’ve found that size does matter.

I have the same problem with phones.  I’ve had phones smaller than 5½ inches and larger than 6 inches.  They just didn’t work for me.  I need a machine that easily fits in my shirt pocket but doesn’t overwhelm my hand.  Size does matter.

I once owned a 10 inch laptop that I gave away to one of my grandsons.  It was a good machine with decent specs, but I couldn’t use it.  It was so small that it didn’t fit on my lap.  The smaller size meant a smaller keyboard which made it extremely difficult for a touch typist.  My new laptop is a 15 inch, the perfect size.

Another item where size matters is desktop monitors.  I’ve got five of them on my desktop.  I look at the 32 inch monitor all the time.  I seldom look at the 16 inch screen.  Size does matter.

The minimum RAM requirement for Windows 10 is 2 gb.  I don’t think anyone will agree that is the right size.  You should run at least 8 gb.  Size does matter.  (This is probably the one time where it can be said that “bigger is better”.)

I usually have about 10 mouses in my electronics box.  Most of them are there partly because they are the wrong size.  I like a full size mouse that fits my hand and doesn’t cramp my fingers when I’m computing.  That’s why I won’t buy a mouse online.  I need to check the fit in the store before I use it.

This article is starting get get a little long.  Does size matter?
Thanks for reading.

SWLAPCUG A to Z – Originally Published October 2019

October 6, 2019 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

Here I go again with one of my A to Z articles. This month the A to Z of the SWLAPCUG.

A is for Apple – a company with products that our club doesn’t talk about much.
B is for Bits & Chips – the club newsletter.
C is for Coppermine – the software that powers member photo galleries.
D is for Damn – a word that Tiny often uses when updating the club web site.
E is for Education – what we attempt to accomplish.
F is for From the President’s Desk – a monthly section in the club newsletter.
G is for GTPCC – our sister club until they disbanded.
H is for HostGator – our web site provider.
I is for Internet – whatever that is.
J is for Jande Street – where we hold our meetings.
K is for Kernel – because every member of the club works together
L is for Libre Office – the word processor used by many members.
M is for Monday – when we have our monthly meeting.
N is for Night – because it coincides perfectly with the M.
O is for Operating Systems – we discuss them all.
P is for phpBB – the software that powers our forums.
Q is for Quiet – with shy and unassuming describes the member with the longest drive.
R is for RAM – or ROM, RSS, RTF, RJ45, RGB, RAID, RPM, RTN, etc.
S is for Scribus – the software used to create the club newsletter.
T is for Tiny’s World of BS – nothing to do with the club but a shameless plug for me.
U is for Utilities – programs often discussed at club meetings.
V is for VLC Media Player – used by many club members.
W is for WWW.SWLAPCUG.org – or .com, the club website address.
X is for Xyloid – where we go to meet for a SIG group.
Y is for Yaud – Tom’s function in the club.
Z is for Zettabyte – amount of info to accumulate before the club disbands.

Thanks for reading.

Fun Stuff on Wikipedia – Originally Published June 2019

June 5, 2019 Posted by Tiny

A Pain in the Whatchamacallit
By Tiny Ruisch

`The other day I was reading Ripley’s Believe it or Not.  I learned that “omphalophobia” is a fear of belly buttons.  The article was only mildly interesting, but the comments were more fun to read.   Someone said they had a phobia about getting a phobia.  I was surprised to find out that there is such a thing.  After all, I found it on the internet.  Phobophobia is the fear of phobia(s) and, more specifically, of the internal sensations associated with that phobia and anxiety.

I’m not writing about phobias.  If you clicked the link you might have noticed that it opened a Wikipedia article.  The free encyclopedia is one of my favorite web sites.  I’ve even contributed a few dollars to help keep it running.  Although it can be edited by almost anyone, I’ve found that most articles are fairly accurate.

I’m not writing about Wikipedia either.  You can find millions of reviews with a simple internet search.  What is this article about?  I’d like to share some of the unique and funny articles that I’ve found on Wikipedia.  Here are some links to articles you might find interesting:

List of people who died on the toilet – I don’t think any of them were reading this article.
Ferret-legging – I wonder why I haven’t seen this sport on ESPN.
Bristol stool scale – I’ll have to remember to ask my doctor about this.
Trimethylaminuria – not only is this disease hard to spell, it’s incurable.
Leck mich im Arsch – Mozart was truly versatile.
Le Pétomane – another one that I remember was featured on Ripley.
List of animals with fraudulent diplomas – my dog is smarter than your cat.
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo – for wordsmiths.
Islamic toilet etiquette – I’m surprised I haven’t seen this on Facebook.
Chicken or the egg – hint. We still don’t know.
Longest word in English – Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious isn’t the word.
Toilet paper orientation – seem like an appropriate article to end this list.

I was originally thinking of posting these links on the club website. I decided that would be a waste of my time as hardly anyone would see it. I also post these newsletter articles on my personal website. Here is one last Wikipedia Fictitious entry link to end the article.

Thanks for reading.